Since this blog is my personal diary online and a way for me to gain perspective on my journey in life, I wanted to add a more intimate section here where I could share my deepest thoughts and feelings. A diary entry if you will, that will give me a chance to be myself and connect with others. If there is one thing I am afraid of doing, it's letting my guard down and opening up about my deepest feelings. So here goes...
Lately I have been feeling lost. For someone who has a vision and passion, being able to bring it to fruition in real life seems like a never ending roller coaster ride; somedays are great and I feel like I am so close and then there are days that make me question if any of this is worth it. I know life comes with uncertainties and it's part of the journey, but it can be so draining to me that I feel like giving up.
The month started off optimistically because a few brands reached out to me wanting to collaborate with me and it made me feel on top of the world. I have never gotten three collaboration requests at the same time so of course I was excited. I exchanged information with all of them and then after weeks went by, there was no response from any of them. Zip. Nada. Zero.
I was confused and thought maybe my emails didn't go through, but nope, they did. Even after reaching out to all of them with a follow up email, they didn't respond back and it was a such a disappointment. I mean, they could still very well respond back, but it's so confusing that they wouldn't respond when they were the ones that approached me. As a creator who relies on collaborations - yes, it was a huge disappointment.
I guess that is where my whole mood for the month went down hill and a huge emotional wave hit me. I stayed in bed a lot crying, I had no motivation to make any art, and I didn't even care to get ready for the day or do my makeup even. I know it may sound silly to some to be upset about a few collaborations falling through, but collaborations are a source of income for me and it is part of my job as a content creator.
With my feelings all over the place, I found myself looking at myself in one of my videos and I was so disappointed. For anyone who follows me, you know how hard it has been to maintain my weight and keep it off. To see myself again at a low point made it hard to even look at myself, so I finally came to a drastic decision. I was going to water fast for 30 days and finally claim myself all over again.
I think when we reach low points in our life, they help us grow and teach us a bit more about our strength and courage. Facing the reality that I had gained weight and needed to do something about it was hard to swallow - but I knew I needed to take action. I know I could simply eat healthy without such an extreme action to lose weight - but I felt like my body needed a reset and fasting was the perfect way to achieve this.
So I did some research and watched YouTube videos online of others who have completed their 30 day water fasts and I was inspired. I am always up for a good challenge and decided to give it my all and take a leap of faith. While writing this, I am officially on day 6 of my fast and I have lost almost 8 pounds - what!
Yes it has been so exhausting and doing simple daily tasks feels like the world is leaning on me, but it's getting easier. On the other hand, it drives me so crazy to cook delicious meals for Dimitar just to know that I can't enjoy them with him. *sad face* Either way, I know the pain is temporary and food will always be there. On a positive note though, my body is enjoying a nice boost of love and that is what I am most looking forward to. Caring for myself because my body deserves the best.
So, sure the month started out great just for it to go down hill, but I know I am a tough cookie who always makes something out of nothing. When the world gives you lemons, you make lemonade and that's exactly what I decided to do. Even if I may not get those lovely collaborations that really left me excited, I ended up doing something even better; claiming myself and embracing my health like never before.
Until next time! xoxo - Sarah
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