Two years ago today, my dearest mother passed away. I dreamt a few nights ago that I was nervous about this day coming, where these buried feelings of sadness would find me all over again and resurface. No matter how grateful I try to be though for the challenges God gives me, it can never fully remove the pain I feel from my mom's absence. How badly I wish to visit her or call her even, just to realize I wouldn't be able to. To anyone who has lost someone before, you know how consuming that kind of emptiness can be. 

    It honestly feels like a lifetime has gone by since I heard her voice. Since my mom lived several states away, talking on the phone was all we could do. Even though she struggled with alcohol, deep down in my heart I know she meant well. My mom helped me realize the importance of forgiveness, compassion, being bold, and the importance of laughter. She had a tough life but she always did her best to smile through it. 

    The last conversation I had with my mom, she was cheerful. She always enjoyed a good laugh so whenever I called her, I always made sure to lift her spirits. I mentioned in some of my early posts about my mom, that I spent so long looking for someone I could relate to just to realize that my mom was that person. She was the friend I was deeply in need of and she helped me understand the importance of being vulnerable.

    I had always been afraid to open up to people out of fear of being hurt, but getting closer to my own mom helped me find peace with the world around me. By being understanding of my mom and letting go of my expectations or even judgement, I was able to be in the moment with her. It was hard because it meant being vulnerable to even more pain and uncertainty, but if it meant being there for her when she needed someone the most, I was willing to accept it all and deal with it as it came.

    Through phone calls, we grew close to each other to the point where we both started to have dreams about being with each other. I like to believe that now, she can be wherever she wants to be and while I miss her deeply, I'm happy for her new found freedom. I'm happy that she's no longer in pain because life on earth is truly hard. Since I don't believe in death, once my sadness passes on a heavy day like today, I remember that my mom is always with me. She has proven this to me through signs that only her and I know which comforts me when I need it the most. 

    It may be some time now before I get to see my mom, but I know when the time comes, I'll spend days like today celebrating her soul rather than grieving. My mom loved appreciating the fine simple things in life and it's through her own passions that I hope I can keep her close to me; spending time outside in nature, baking, having a great laugh, being around loved ones, and most importantly - being there to care for oneself. 

    So today, even if I may cry more than usual and feel sad even, I'm truly happy for everything my mom has been able to help me with. The blessings that have appeared in my life lately out of nowhere truly feels like I have an Angel watching over me and I know it's my mom.  Whenever I fear the worst and ask for guidance or protection, everything always ends up being okay and I know it's because my mom is looking out for me. 

    Since twenty-two was always a number that my mom and I loved, I like to believe that she will help me make this year, 2022, a great year. It will come with it's challenges, but I know she will be there every step of the way guiding me in the right direction. While I miss her deeply, I know we will only continue to get closer as time pushes on.

To my dearest mother with love, 

    I send you so much joy and happiness.  

    I'm back! After doing a water fast for so long, I needed to take some time away to get my energy back to normal. I spent a lot of time thinking during my fast and recovery that I realized how important visualizing is for our own success. In everything we do, our own ability to picture an outcome comes first. Have you ever thought about it? 

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    If you're accustomed to the Law of Attraction, you understand the concept of how like attracts like and how the same goes with negativity. We're all energetic magnets surrounded by balls of experiences that really test our skills and wisdom throughout life. The key to all of this that makes everything more interesting, is not just how we manage our thoughts, but how we use our own imagination. 

    What I mean is, you know how you'll sometimes find yourself daydreaming about those lucky lottery numbers or that dream vacation? If you turn your daydreaming up a notch and use it to help you achieve your goals, you're actually likely to speed up your manifesting. I'll use me as an example. 

    My goal this year is to grow my YouTube channel and my Blog. Part of the Law of Attraction is that in order to get what you want, you have to live your life like you already have what you want. So, if I wanted my YouTube channel and Blog to grow, I would need to carry myself mentally and emotionally as if both my YouTube channel and blog were fruitful. It would also mean taking small steps to help me get to where I want to be like making more videos and articles.  

    If that's too hard to do, try spending 5-10 minutes everyday just sitting quietly - preferably listening to binaural frequencies -  and imagining what your life will be like if your deepest desires came true right now. What feelings would you feel? What would you do during your daily life? How would you change? What would you buy to splurge on? What kind of people would you surround yourself with? What exactly would improve in your life? When you take the time to visualize yourself achieving your deepest desires, you're giving yourself permission to commit to your dreams to the point where you imagine a life with them already manifested. 

    I would say write down your goals, but I don't find that this really immerses you into the visualizing aspect. Sometimes by letting our minds go and do it's own thing, we discover that there's more to us than what can be applied to paper. Now, I'm not saying that writing goals or dreams down is pointless - because it's far from that - but visualizing changes everything. Writing is a way to solidify or identify a goal while visualizing gives us a chance to live what's yet to manifest. 

    Ever heard the saying, fake it until you make it? This expression couldn't be more valid when it comes to visualizing to achieve our goals. So many successful and famous people have opened up about the powers of visualizing. When you're deep in hardship, it can be hard to see beyond it, but even then visualizing instills hope and pushes us towards a destination we know we'll thrive better in. 

    One of my favorite books is by Viktor Frankl called Man Searching For Meaning, and in this book he opens up about how he survived being in a Nazi concentration camp by visualizing a future that he could look forward to. To this day, this book always gives me hope and reminds me how beneficial it is to visualize a better life for ourselves and how far it can actually take us. 

    Whether you need a boost of abundance in your life or you want to turn your life around completely, I highly recommend practicing visualizing on a daily basis. I have recently started getting back into it and within a month, I have had more opportunities come my way in such a short amount of time. 

Until next time! xoxo - Sarah

Day 1: 138.2 lbs. (03/17/2022)

    Feeling normal with minor hunger pains. I developed a headache later in the day and stayed busy with daily tasks as usual. Energy was slightly effected when doing strenuous tasks. Drinking plenty of water helped ease my hunger. 

Day 2: 135.2 lbs.

    Woke up fatigue. Could hardly sleep the previous night before. Muscles were fairly weak and moving alone took so much effort. Cravings were high and it was hard to focus on daily tasks; thought about giving up my fast. Going out in the evening helped take my mind off of hunger but left me exhausted. That night I slept for 8 hours. 

Day 3: 134.2 lbs.

    Woke up fatigue with low energy. Hunger pains were intense and I spent the entire day watching food videos - lol. I was very restless and tried to take a nap, but was unsuccessful. I was easily irritated and tense; I thought about giving up my fast many times. Playing video games really helped take my mind off of everything. I went to bed around 11pm but could not fall asleep until 6am. 

Day 4: 133.2 lbs.

   Woke up very irritable and very exhausted. I started to develop bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. Could not focus on daily tasks so I continued to watch food videos. Journaling my thoughts and feelings helped put my fast into perspective but I continued to question my fast. I ended up buying myself some melatonin 3mg and took two before sleeping and I finally got 7 hours of sleep! 

Day 5: 131.6 lbs.

       Woke up feeling well rested and more energetic then yesterday. Muscles still feel fatigue when moving but not as bad. Able to focus on daily tasks and drinking water has become much more fulfilling. My mood was semi-high and I felt optimistic about completing my fast. I was able to work on a novel that I put down several months ago and it felt great to write again.

Day 6: 130.2 lbs.

    Woke up feeling semi-normal. Not much fatigue at all. Taking melatonin two nights in a roll has helped me sleep better and I was able to get 9 hours of sleep last night! I feel a bit more excited about my progress and continuing my fast. I also don't think about my cravings as much. 

Day 7: 129.4

    Felt much more energetic to do daily tasks and slept 8 hours previous night. Having fun was a lot easier and my focus was much better. Cravings were not as noticeable so being around food wasn't as hard. Was able to clean the entire apartment without feeling lethargic.

Day 8: 127.6

    Much happier today! I spent more time appreciating my fast after seeing results. I am able to focus on daily tasks without food crossing my mind and if they do, watching keto food videos satisfies me. I spent the day planning my keto plan for when I would be ready to eat after my fast was over and it was pretty exciting. 

Day 9: 127.0

    Felt pretty normal! No body aches or fatigue. Energy was high and I felt great. Weight loss was slow though which was very confusing. Nonetheless, I felt great. My hunger pains weren't that bad except for some minor back pain. Sleep was much better except for the weird feeling in my legs. 

Day 10: 126.6

    Feeling normal and high energy. I managed to do some cleaning but it did start to tire me out so I took it slow. Had energy to walk around outside but only for a short one. My back was still sore though - the kind of soreness I feel when I am about to start my period. I can be around food and cook just fine but being around my boyfriend while he eats is still hard.

Day 15: 122.6

    Slept very well the previous night. Now instead of taking 2 melatonin before bed, I take one. My clothes are fitting better too and I can tell that my face has slimmed down quite a bit. I also started my period today and there aren't many cramps or pains or cravings even. I still felt sleepy though throughout the day so my energy wasn't quite there which could be a result from my period.

Day 20: 118.2 (04/07/2022)

    Experiencing more hunger pains. Being on my period really made me feel sluggish and exhausted due to the cramps. I've been contemplating on cutting my fast short next week if the daily hunger pains don't go away. Writing my novel is the only thing I can focus on - that, and preparing my keto meals for when I'm ready to start eating again. I've also planned out how I'm going to reintroduce food back into my body.

** Broke my fast later in the day after intense hunger pains! I still feel happy though with myself and accomplished. For the next 9 days, I will do my recovery diet and then after that, I will do ketogenic Intermittent Fasting to maintain my weight loss.

Left: 138 lbs / Right: 118 lbs

    If you've been following this blog since it first started last year, you have had the chance to get to know a bit about me and my life growing up. My childhood was chaotic and I experienced a great deal of stress; stress that no child should have to go through. As I've had the chance to grow up, heal, and mature, I've learned how to make a place of my own in a chaotic world. If you're just like me looking for your place, I want to reassure you that there is one.

    I wish I could say that finding your place in a world full of constant upheaval is easy, but the truth is that you should prepare yourself for a lot of resistance - a lot. In life, there are so many distractions that just when you think you're on the right path, at some point you realize you're going the wrong way. Either you're working a job you said you'd never work at, your mental or physical health take a turn, or you completely push aside your goals to meet the needs of others. This has happened to be and I'm sure it has happened to you as well.  

    Even with all of these twist and turns though, you can still turn your life around and make it more personalize; more finely tuned to meet your needs when it feels like the world keeps pushing you around. How you may ask? By dedicating yourself to yourself so you can discover your goals and passions. It's as simple as that, but requires thinking outside of the box. So in todays post, I want to help you sift through all the chaos so that you can have a life that fits your needs and helps you get closer to yourself. 

1) STOP WATCHING THE NEWS

    As a child, I remember seeing my dad watch the news and he'd get all fired up. Because of his reactions, I associated the news with being bad and never cared for it when I became older. To this day I still avoid the news. Since I am a firm believer of The Law of Attraction, I know how important it is to be mindful of where my attention goes and the energy that goes with it. 

    It takes only an hour or two of watching the news to realize how low energy the information on the news is. If you watch it long enough, you'll see how your mood is then effected. The information is often so depressing that it can lead anyone into thinking that the world is a cruel place which will make anyone feel hopeless and uninspired. Do yourself a favor and give up watching the news and see how much more time you have to focus on yourself and you're mental well-being. 

2) DEFINE YOUR DISTRACTIONS

    Watching the news isn't the only distraction worth letting go of. There are other distractions out there and one may just be near you at this very moment; your phone. With technology being so advance now, we now have portable little computers that we can take with us wherever we go which offers convenience at it's finest. At it's worst though, it can suck up your time if you aren't careful. 

    Social media is great because it allows us to connect with others around the world. Unfortunately, majority of us who use social media do not have a healthy relationship with it and become either obsessed with it or allow it to consume our free time. The next time you have time for yourself, turn your phone off so you can focus better on your goals. There are many kinds of distractions that prevent us from working at our best - and you must be honest enough to define them - so adjust according to your own routine. 

3) DEFINE YOUR PASSIONS

    Once the distractions are out the window and you've "mastered" the art of discipline, it's time to find your passions. As I written in my post about following your passions, finding your passions may require work and digging into your own self, but it will be the best reward that you will ever get out of life. You see, you're not just finding your passions or a hobby that allows you to express yourself and makes you happy. No. You're connecting to yourself and building a place for you in this world. 

    The moment you discover what you enjoy doing the most in your free time, nothing else in the world matters - not even the pesky distractions! Why? A satisfied heart stops looking outside of itself when it reunites with it's missing half; your passions. So whether it takes you a few days, months, or even years - finding and sticking to your passions will help you build a world that you can call your own. I don't know about you, but that sounds pretty awesome. 

"A satisfied heart stops looking outside of itself when it reunites with it's missing half; your passions." - Sarah Lucas

4) CONSISTENCY IS KEY

    After you discover what fuels your heart, time stops and you realize how much more interesting life has becomes. But, the work doesn't stop there; in fact, it's just beginning. The more time you invest in your passions, the more it will grow obviously, but I've seen it happen many times where people stop along the way because they only see their passions as a hobby. Why not make it a career or a business even?

    Growing our passions is bound to reward us at some point so it's important to keep at it. Along the way you'll discover new ideas and opportunities that may just be life changing for you. By focusing on your craft and then growing it until it rewards you in return, is exactly what life is about. You can't get these kind of rewards by living a life in other's shadow or by watching TV or by obsessing over social media. You just cant. 

5) CONNECT WITH OTHERS

    With a growing passion and a new love for life, I highly recommend connecting with others who enjoy the same passions as you do. Whether it's in your community or hosting local events around your passions, or online even, connecting with people is a great way to remind you of why you love what you do.

    This method is far better than social media as it puts you out into the world and reminds you of what life really has to offer you if you only invest in yourself. Yes, social media is great for marketing and if you can use it solely for that purpose - great - because that's exactly what I do. 

    It's through this intimate connection with people that solidifies your place in this world and your passions is simply the cherry on top.  So for as long as you're committed your passions, you will forever have an inner peace that follows you wherever you go and no global chaos can take that away. 

6) STAY CURIOUS

    Last but not least, one passion alone shouldn't take up all of your focus. Explore what the world has to offer you and definitely explore your talents. A curious person who is willing to try it all just for the sake of trying is one who is interested in learning more about themselves. I myself have many interests and passions. I love art but I also love vlogging and blogging. Someday I hope to even take singing lessons and learn an instrument or two.

    When you follow where your curiosity takes you, you're basically being a kid again who isn't afraid of falling after climbing a tree. You know that saying about how curiosity killed the cat - throw that out the window. Human beings have thrived off of adventure and being curious has lead to many great inventions today. So stay curious, keep learning, and remember...keep those distractions at bay!

Until next time! xoxo - Sarah

    Since this blog is my personal diary online and a way for me to gain perspective on my journey in life, I wanted to add a more intimate section here where I could share my deepest thoughts and feelings. A diary entry if you will, that will give me a chance to be myself and connect with others. If there is one thing I am afraid of doing, it's letting my guard down and opening up about my deepest feelings. So here goes...

    Lately I have been feeling lost. For someone who has a vision and passion, being able to bring it to fruition in real life seems like a never ending roller coaster ride; somedays are great and I feel like I am so close and then there are days that make me question if any of this is worth it. I know life comes with uncertainties and it's part of the journey, but it can be so draining to me that I feel like giving up. 

    The month started off optimistically because a few brands reached out to me wanting to collaborate with me and it made me feel on top of the world. I have never gotten three collaboration requests at the same time so of course I was excited. I exchanged information with all of them and then after weeks went by, there was no response from any of them. Zip. Nada. Zero.

    I was confused and thought maybe my emails didn't go through, but nope, they did. Even after reaching out to all of them with a follow up email, they didn't respond back and it was a such a disappointment. I mean, they could still very well respond back, but it's so confusing that they wouldn't respond when they were the ones that approached me. As a creator who relies on collaborations - yes, it was a huge disappointment.

    I guess that is where my whole mood for the month went down hill and a huge emotional wave hit me. I stayed in bed a lot crying, I had no motivation to make any art, and I didn't even care to get ready for the day or do my makeup even. I know it may sound silly to some to be upset about a few collaborations falling through, but collaborations are a source of income for me and it is part of my job as a content creator. 

    With my feelings all over the place, I found myself looking at myself in one of my videos and I was so disappointed. For anyone who follows me, you know how hard it has been to maintain my weight and keep it off. To see myself again at a low point made it hard to even look at myself, so I finally came to a drastic decision. I was going to water fast for 30 days and finally claim myself all over again.

    I think when we reach low points in our life, they help us grow and teach us a bit more about our strength and courage. Facing the reality that I had gained weight and needed to do something about it was hard to swallow - but I knew I needed to take action. I know I could simply eat healthy without such an extreme action to lose weight - but I felt like my body needed a reset and fasting was the perfect way to achieve this.

    So I did some research and watched YouTube videos online of others who have completed their 30 day water fasts and I was inspired. I am always up for a good challenge and decided to give it my all and take a leap of faith. While writing this, I am officially on day 6 of my fast and I have lost almost 8 pounds - what!

    Yes it has been so exhausting and doing simple daily tasks feels like the world is leaning on me, but it's getting easier. On the other hand, it drives me so crazy to cook delicious meals for Dimitar just to know that I can't enjoy them with him. *sad face* Either way, I know the pain is temporary and food will always be there. On a positive note though, my body is enjoying a nice boost of love and that is what I am most looking forward to. Caring for myself because my body deserves the best.

    So, sure the month started out great just for it to go down hill, but I know I am a tough cookie who always makes something out of nothing. When the world gives you lemons, you make lemonade and that's exactly what I decided to do. Even if I may not get those lovely collaborations that really left me excited, I ended up doing something even better; claiming myself and embracing my health like never before. 

Until next time! xoxo - Sarah