As I've mentioned before, for the past 6 months - maybe even 7 - I was in the middle of suing my landlord. If you want context for what exactly happened, I wrote a lengthy post on it that can fill you in. After 6 months of preparing for a trial, working with our lawyers and gathering up witnesses, we finally had our trial on the 23rd of this month. Just when I thought the case was going extremely well, it took a turn for the worst and the judge ended up dismissing our case.
Words can't describe how betrayed I feel by the Alexandria City court house. To hear a judge - who is supposed to be unbiased - literally question my own lawyer for why he was working with us and why he charged the rates that he did, was appalling. On top of that, he even ignored the facts or the laws that were broken by our landlord, giving us no chance from the start. He then made a remark that we could have spent the money on a vacation rather then paying for a lawyer - what judge does or says this? It was disgusting to witness and it truly was a scenario that not only made me lose faith in the justice system but even God.
Now, I know for anyone who has faith, trusting God's reasoning is of utmost importance. I myself am very much connected to my own intuition, my faith and spirituality, and I honestly hate the idea of being afraid because I feel more in control when I am calm or assertive. The only exception to this is of course death, but I'm slowly learning to accept this as well.
When it comes to my faith though, no, I'm not and have never been super religious. However, I've always felt connected to a force greater than me that has helped me get through so much of the chaos in my life. I've wondered countless times how I'm even alive today and I've come to the conclusion that it's because of this force that I feel but can't see. I've felt it my whole life, yet as the phases in my life upgrade and I'm hit with bigger challenges than the one before, it's harder for me to continue believing. I sometimes wonder if it's all just a part of my imagination; a part of me that's desperate to believe in something when I feel like giving up.
I know there are millions of people who have been wronged to the point where they lost their faith or their connection to what means most to them yet they found a way to push forward. I've secretly wanted to be one of those people because I admired their strength. I wanted to be so internally strong and capable to the point that no obstacle in my life could phase me. I wanted to accept life for being harsh so that nothing could knock me down or take me by surprise. It's exhausting though.
What do you do when the very system in place to restore the balance here on earth turns a blind eye? What do you do when your heart believes in the fight you're fighting for, yet your environment is tarnished by corruption and evil? What do you do when you maintain your faith and love just to continue being knocked down? What do you do when the world tips off the scale and you're the only one trying to make things right?
Well...the best I can do now is mind my way of being and accept the challenge before me. I've done it before and I'll continue doing it. There are some fights you win and some fights you lose, but it ultimately boils down to how many times you get back up. I know I could easily be resentful and allow myself to break the very foundation I've built for myself for over a decade, but that would be fruitless. As someone who once said to me, why settle in the dark when it's the light you want to be in.
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