Two years ago today, my dearest mother passed away. I dreamt a few nights ago that I was nervous about this day coming, where these buried feelings of sadness would find me all over again and resurface. No matter how grateful I try to be though for the challenges God gives me, it can never fully remove the pain I feel from my mom's absence. How badly I wish to visit her or call her even, just to realize I wouldn't be able to. To anyone who has lost someone before, you know how consuming that kind of emptiness can be.
It honestly feels like a lifetime has gone by since I heard her voice. Since my mom lived several states away, talking on the phone was all we could do. Even though she struggled with alcohol, deep down in my heart I know she meant well. My mom helped me realize the importance of forgiveness, compassion, being bold, and the importance of laughter. She had a tough life but she always did her best to smile through it.
The last conversation I had with my mom, she was cheerful. She always enjoyed a good laugh so whenever I called her, I always made sure to lift her spirits. I mentioned in some of my early posts about my mom, that I spent so long looking for someone I could relate to just to realize that my mom was that person. She was the friend I was deeply in need of and she helped me understand the importance of being vulnerable.
I had always been afraid to open up to people out of fear of being hurt, but getting closer to my own mom helped me find peace with the world around me. By being understanding of my mom and letting go of my expectations or even judgement, I was able to be in the moment with her. It was hard because it meant being vulnerable to even more pain and uncertainty, but if it meant being there for her when she needed someone the most, I was willing to accept it all and deal with it as it came.
Through phone calls, we grew close to each other to the point where we both started to have dreams about being with each other. I like to believe that now, she can be wherever she wants to be and while I miss her deeply, I'm happy for her new found freedom. I'm happy that she's no longer in pain because life on earth is truly hard. Since I don't believe in death, once my sadness passes on a heavy day like today, I remember that my mom is always with me. She has proven this to me through signs that only her and I know which comforts me when I need it the most.
It may be some time now before I get to see my mom, but I know when the time comes, I'll spend days like today celebrating her soul rather than grieving. My mom loved appreciating the fine simple things in life and it's through her own passions that I hope I can keep her close to me; spending time outside in nature, baking, having a great laugh, being around loved ones, and most importantly - being there to care for oneself.
So today, even if I may cry more than usual and feel sad even, I'm truly happy for everything my mom has been able to help me with. The blessings that have appeared in my life lately out of nowhere truly feels like I have an Angel watching over me and I know it's my mom. Whenever I fear the worst and ask for guidance or protection, everything always ends up being okay and I know it's because my mom is looking out for me.
Since twenty-two was always a number that my mom and I loved, I like to believe that she will help me make this year, 2022, a great year. It will come with it's challenges, but I know she will be there every step of the way guiding me in the right direction. While I miss her deeply, I know we will only continue to get closer as time pushes on.
To my dearest mother with love,
I send you so much joy and happiness.
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